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Contents


Introduction

What Do We Mean By Responsibility?

How Can Parents Encourage Responsible Behavior?

Activities

Getting to Know Others
Magic Words, Caring Deeds
Gifts From the Heart
Honesty, the Best Policy
There's a Monster in My Room!
Bully
Helping Out
A Job Well Done
Our Heroes!
OOPS!
Will You Be My Friend?
Share a Story

Parents and the Schools

Bibliography

Acknowledgments



Introduction


Our children deserve to learn important lessons from us
and to acquire important habits with our help. They need help
in learning what matters to us. We want our children to grow up
to be responsible adults. We want them to learn to feel, think,
and act with respect for themselves and for other people. We
want them to pursue their own well-being, while also being
considerate of the needs and feelings of others.

Today, there is wide recognition that many of our children
are not learning to act responsibly while they are young.
Studies show that many children see nothing wrong with cheating
on tests. Some see nothing wrong with taking things that don't
belong to

If proper attitudes and behavior are not learned early,
problems can mushroom with even worse consequences when
children are older. As crime has increased, teen-age offenders
have shown less and less feeling for their victims. But even
for the youngsters who will never commit a crime, it is better
to learn responsibility when they are young, rather than when
they are older and they have to change bad habits.



This booklet focuses on practical suggestions for helping
young children appreciate the importance of acting responsibly
in their everyday lives. Further, it provides ideas on how to
help them make responsible choices, and stick with them, even
when doing so is hard and the material rewards are few.

Many parents will also want to share with their children
deeply held religious and moral convictions as a foundation for
ethical behavior. This booklet discusses habits of fairness,
respect, courage, honesty, and compassion that responsible
people share, and it can be used by parents with different
beliefs.

As parents, we can give our children the best in us by
helping them acquire habits and character traits that they can
rely on in their own lives. If we help them lean to take
pleasure in thinking and behaving well, they will have the best
chance to lead good lives as individuals and as citizens in the
community. This will be true no matter what unpleasant
situations or bad influences they come across.



What Do We Mean by Responsibility?


None of us is born acting responsibly. A responsible
character is formed over time. It is made up of our outlook and
daily habits associated with feelings, thoughts, and actions.
Responsible people act the way they should whether or not
anyone is watching. They do so because they understand that
it's fight and because they have the courage and self-control
to act decently, even when tempted to do otherwise.

We want our children to appreciate the importance of being
responsible. We also want them to develop the habits and
strength to act this way in their everyday lives. Learning to
be responsible includes learning to

* respect and show compassion for others;

* practice honesty as a matter of course;

* show courage in standing up for our principles;

* develop self-control in acting on our principles;

* maintain self-respect.



Respect and Compassion for Others


As part of bring responsible, children need to respect and
show concern for the well-being of other people. Respect ranges
from using basic manners to having compassion for the suffering
of others. Compassion is developed by trying to see things from
the point of view of others, and learning that their feelings
resemble our own.



Daddy, why was Grandma crying?

She is very sad. One of her closest friends just died.
Come and sit with me. Do you remember how you felt when your
gerbil, Whiskers, died?

I felt sad and lonely.

I'm sure Grandma feels that way, too. Maybe you can think
of a way to help her.

I could give her a hug...

That's a great idea! I'm really glad you thought of it.

Respect for others also includes the habit of treating
people fairly as individuals, regardless of race, sex, or
ethnic group. As we mature, respect includes realizing that not
all our obligations to others, such as caring for a family
member who is sick, are chosen freely. And it includes
tolerance for people who do not share our beliefs or likes or
dislikes, as long as they do not harm others.

These habits are especially important because many of the
wrongs people commit result from indifference to the suffering
they cause.


Honesty


Honesty means telling the truth. It means not misleading
others for our own benefit. It also means trying to make
decisions, especially important ones, on the basis of evidence
rather than prejudice. Honesty includes dealing with other
people and being honest with ourselves.

To understand the importance of being truthful to others,
our children need to learn that living together depends on
trust. Without honesty, trusting each other becomes impossible.

Honesty with ourselves involves faring up to our own
mistakes and biases, even when we have to admit them to others.
It includes self-criticism. The point is to learn from our
errors and to do our best to correct them, not to dwell on
them.


Courage


Courage is taking a position and doing what is right, even
at the risk of some loss. It means being neither reckless nor
cowardly, but faring up to our duties. It includes physical
courage, intellectual courage to make decisions on the basis of
evidence, and moral courage to stand up for our principles.

Courage does not mean never bring afraid. It can involve
trying to overcome our fears, such as a fear of the dark. But
our children also need to lean that sometimes it is all right
to be afraid.



Daddy, a man showed us money by the school playground
today.

What did you do?

We ran for the teacher.

Why did you do that?

We were scared. You and Mommy and our teacher Mrs. Jones
said never take anything from grownups we don't know. Run away.
Go and tell somebody we know.

Good for you. It was right to be scared. Lots of people
are nice, but some are very mean. They can hurt you. The mean
ones sometimes try to fool people by pretending to be nice.
Now, tell me, what did the man look like?

Courage becomes especially important by the time children
become teenagers. They often have to stand up against peer
pressure to do the wrong thing, such as using drugs.


Self-Control


Self-control is the ability to resist inappropriate
behavior in order to act responsibly. It relates to all of the
different aspects of responsibility mentioned so far, including
respect and compassion for others, honesty, and courage. It
involves persistence and sticking to long-term commitments. It
also includes dealing effectively with emotions, such as anger,
and developing patience.



Self-Respect


People with self-respect take satisfaction in appropriate
behavior and hard-won accomplishments. They don't need to put
others down or have a lot of money in order to respect
themselves. People who respect themselves also view
selfishness, loss of self-control, recklessness, cowardice, and
dishonesty as wrong and unworthy of them. As they mature, if
they have learned the lessons of responsibility, they will
develop a good conscience to guide them.

In addition, people who respect themselves respect their
own health and safety. Similarly, they are unwilling to be
manipulated by others. Patience or tolerance does not mean
allowing others to mistreat us.

While we help children have high standards for themselves,
we also need to let them know that failure is no embarrassment
when we have done our best. For example, losing a game when we
have played our best, and our opponents have simply played
better, is no disgrace.


How Can Parents Encourage Responsible Behavior?


Everyday Experiences


Especially when they are young, children learn best about
responsibility in concrete situations. What they do and what
they witness have lasting effects. Most of the activities
described in this book are for you and your child.

We are always teaching our children something by our words
and actions. They learn from seeing. They learn from hearing.
They learn from overhearing. They learn from us, from each
other, from other adults, and by themselves.

All of us acquire habits by doing things over and over
again, whether in learning to play a musical instrument, to
pick up after ourselves, to play games and sports, or to share
with others. The best way to encourage our children to become
responsible is to act as responsibly as we can in their
presence. We must genuinely try to be the sort of people we
hope they will try to become.

We can show them by our words and by our actions that we
respect others. We can show them our compassion and concern
when others are suffering. They need to see our own
self-control, courage, and honesty. They need to learn that we
treat ourselves, as well as others, with respect, and that we
always try to do our best. As they grow older, they should have
the chance to learn why we live as we do.



Daddy, why are you leaving that note on the garbage can?

There is broken glass inside, Matthew, and I don't want
the garbage collectors to get hurt because of me. I am warning
them about the glass.

Are they your friends?

No. I don't know them.

But you don't want them to get hurt...

As our children watch us daily, as we talk to them,
encouraging their questions and trying to answer them
thoughtfully, they begin to understand us--and we begin to
understand them. Understanding each other well is the best way
to teach our children respect for our ideals of good character.



Using Literature and Stories


Children learn about responsibility through many
activities, including reading stories. They learn by
identifying with individual characters or because the message
from a favorite story strikes a particular chord. Children can
be touched deeply by good literature, and they may ask to have
things read to them again and again.

Children can learn all sorts of lessons from stories.
They might learn about courage by reading about David standing
up to Goliath. Or they might learn the value of persistence
and effort from The Little Engine That Could.

When they are older, reading can help prepare children for
the realities and responsibilities of adulthood. It is usually
better for children to read a good book about such things as
war, oppression, suicide, or deadly disease before seeing these
things up close.

When our children grow up they often remember stories that
were told to them by family members when they were young. When
we tell stories to our children, we should remember old
favorites of ours, like The Three Little Pigs, not leaving out
a single time the wolf says, "I'LL HUFF, and I'LL PUFF, and
I'LL BLOW YOUR HOUSE IN!"


Developing Judgment and Thoughtfulness


Judgment on ethical issues is a practical matter. Children
develop their capacity for judging what is a responsible act,
just as they come to appreciate the meaning of responsibility,
through practice. Especially when they are young, children need
to see moral questions in terms that are meaningful to them.

We can also help our children develop good judgment by
talking through complicated situations with them. One way is to
help them understand the long-term consequences of different
choices. If they tell us about a story they have read, we might
ask them to imagine what the result might have been if a
favorite character had acted differently.

Sometimes, it can be difficult to know the difference
between acting bravely and acting recklessly or how to balance
duties when they conflict. As parents, we can help by making it
clear, through what we do as well as what we say, that it is
important in such situations to think carefully and honestly
about what should be done, as well as to keep in mind how
others will be affected by what we do.

Your child's ability to reason about different issues,
including ethical ones, will improve as your child matures.
Just as reasoning can lead to a more thoughtful understanding
of responsibility, or what actions to take in complicated
situations, it may also become easier to rationalize selfish or
reckless behavior. But if you have helped your young child
develop strong habits of considering the welfare of others,
honesty, courage, and admiration for worthy accomplishments,
your child will have a solid foundation on which to build.





Activities


As parents, sometimes we think that we must set aside
particular times or create special situations in order to teach
our children. But that is far from the truth when it comes to
learning about responsibility. While it is important to have
some times together when you won't be disturbed, the most
ordinary situations in everyday life are filled with
opportunities for sound teaching, if parents pay attention to
them.

This booklet contains activities to encourage habits of
responsibility in your child. Most of them are not, however,
the kind of activities that you can do together for half an
hour once a week. Instead, they are more like rules of thumb,
ideas to build on. They illustrate the concepts introduced in
the previous sections. They should stimulate your own thinking
and your own ideas.

Just remember one thing: teaching our children about
responsibility doesn't mean that we can't laugh or that we have
to be grim. Our children should see that we can be serious
about our principles, while still being able to play and have
fun.



Dad, can I show you what we did in ballet class today?

Sure.

It was hard. We had to get way up on our toes and then
twirl around like this.

Great. Let me try it. . .oops! Now, what's so funny about
that? Well, OK. I guess we aren't all as graceful as you are.


Getting To Know Others


Children need to be shown and taught respect for others.
Other people have feelings and hopes, just as we do. We have
much to learn from each other from people who live far away and
from those who lived long ago.


What to do


1. Set a good example by acting respectfully toward others.
Always make clear that prejudice is wrong and that all of
us are equals, no matter our color, gender, or background.


2. Show an interest in learning about and from others--from
neighbors and relatives, and from books about our own and
other civilizations. Tell your child interesting things
you have learned.




3. Encourage your child to learn about many different lands
and people, to learn more than one language, and to read
stories about children from all over the world. Show your
child how you try to see things from the point of view of
others.

4. Listen attentively when your child wants to tell you about
interesting things discovered about history, geography,
religions, art, and ways of life.



We can help our children understand that there are often
things to learn from those who lived in the past and from those
whose lives are different from our own. We can teach our
children to behave respectfully toward people and not pre-judge
them. Sometimes, however, we must make it clear that some
people behave in ways that are harmful, and such behavior
should not be tolerated.




Magic Words, Caring Deeds


The magic words are "please" and "thank you." There are
other manners we are constantly teaching our children as well.


What you'll need

Chairs
Table
Paper Pen
Crayons, markers
Plates, cups, forks, spoons


What to do


1. Show your children the manners you expect at home first.
The next time you eat dinner together, have the children
pretend they are eating in a restaurant. How should they
talk to each other? What should they say when the waiter
brings their food? Or have the children pretend they are
riding in a bus. What should they do if the bus stops
suddenly and they bump into someone? How should they carry
a large package on the bus?

2. The next time your children mention something nice that
another person did for them, suggest they write a thank
you note. It doesn't have to have a lot of words. It can
have pictures as well.

3. You, too, can write short notes to your child to indicate
your appreciation for something done right.

I well be coming to you next time

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